It’s been called a mystery, It’s even been called non-existent, but no matter the adjective associated with it, the female orgasm has always been a wonder of the world. Only 25% of women report having an orgasm during sex with a partner, so there certainly seems to be some mystery in how to give one. No matter if you’re into giving a female an orgasm, or getting one, or both, I have some suggestions that may make the female orgasm a little less of a mystery. But first you have to know what an orgasm really is…

What is an orgasm?
In the late 1800 and 1900’s, the orgasm was used (and given) by medical professionals to cure “hysteria.” A medical disorder with symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble.” The diagnosis, which was made only in women, was cured by a “release” after a doctor rubbed the top of the vulva (the clitoris) for upwards of 15-20 minutes. An orgasm occurs when nerve and muscle tension builds up in the genitals, pelvis, buttocks, and thighs —until the body finally involuntarily releases the tension. The release you experience is actually the uterus, vagina, and anus contracting simultaneously at 0.8-second intervals. “A small orgasm may consist of three to five contractions; a biggie, 10 to 15. Many women report feeling different kinds of orgasms — clitoral, vaginal, and many combinations of the two.” Although female hysteria is no longer considered a medical disorder, the orgasm has not lost its healthy appeal. While your vagina and anus muscles are contracting your brain is releasing endorphins, which can help alleviate pain, headaches, and even menstrual cramps!!! Cool, huh?

Tips for an orgasmic experience:

#1- Relax Already
Researchers in Sweden have utilized brain scans to see what environmental factors contribute to women having orgasms. They found that the most important factor in bringing a female to orgasm is relaxation. If your looking to pleasure your female partner try starting out slow with some sensual caressing or even a massage to relax their muscles and their mind. If you’re the female trying to have an orgasm make sure you’re not stressing about 25 other things before you get started. If you’re duty free try putting on some relaxing music, or maybe even taking some time to pamper yourself with a bubble bath. If bubble baths aren’t your thing, try doing something you know relaxes you cause that’s the first step in getting closer to getting off.

Sometimes just telling yourself that you deserve me-time and pleasure is extremely helpful in your quest for orgasm. Dr. Ruth suggests giving yourself verbal permission to orgasm. She states, “Some women can’t do that [give themselves permission], at least not while their partner is around. They need to learn how to have orgasms by masturbating. When they can do that, they can then teach their partner what they need.”

# 2 In Sex We Trust
Finding a trusting partner who you can communicate your desires with is huge when trying to create safe sex that is not just physically but emotionally safe. Trust is huge when trying to let go of your in ambitions, because you have to know that you can trust the person your with not to judge you for the way you look, or for what you desire.

#3 Think Sexy Thoughts
Often time’s people get distracted during sex. Most of us are very busy so it’s not unlikely that we use some free time to wander in our heads a bit. But this may be distracting you from the orgasm you desire. If you’re a person that can’t shut your brain down that’s okay, try thinking erotic thoughts instead. The brain is the most important organ when it comes to orgasms, so turn your brain on and you might be surprised with the results.

#4 Work That Clit
70% of women say they need some kind of clitoral stimulation to orgasm. For most women penetration alone doesn’t lead to an orgasm, unless it is coupled with stimulating other sensitive areas like the breasts, neck, clit, or anus. The clitoris has the highest concentration of nerve endings out of any body part, male or female! This means it can bring you extreme amounts of pleasure, but it also can be a super sensitive area. My suggestion: start off gentle. Most women are too sensitive to receive direct contact on the clitoris early on, so start with either light touching with fingers or tongue or stimulating the clitoris over clothes. Gentle caresses that are barely there can be way more stimulating at the beginning of play then something with lots of pressure. This is because if you rub the clitoris for a long time the nerves can become too sore or desensitized to respond to manual or oral stimulation later. Many women notice this phenomenon after a long penetration session. So leave the pressure till later when you need it.

#5 Stimulate Multiple Arousal Points
Areas like the clitoris, breasts, anus, neck, and obviously the vagina, do not need to be stimulated separately. Try some close contact during penetration when the base of the penis rubs against the clitoris for dual stimulation that still leaves the hands free to roam. During oral try stimulating the breasts or the anus, or even use your fingers or a toy to locate the g-spot. It will be sure to add a whole new element of pleasure to any session.

#6 Find The Spot
For a while the g-spot was only rumored to exist, but in 2008 an Italian research team discovered an anatomical difference between women who experience g-spot orgasms and ones who don’t. The g-spot is a fleshy area that swells during arousal and becomes very sensitive. Women who are lucky enough to have a g-spot can find it 1”-2” inches inside the vagina on the front of the vaginal wall.

#7 Know When It’s Right
During intercourse when a woman comes close to orgasm suddenly changing the very pleasurable thing your doing (whatever it may be) can totally disturb the build up and bring her back to square one. Communication between both partners is an easy way to solve this problem. Letting out a “don’t stop,” or “keep going,” is a short and sweet way to get your point across, although you could also go with “ I’m about to cum” if that’s more your style. A “how does that feel?” from the giving-partner is also an easy way to check in and make sure your moves are worthwhile.

TIP: muscle contractions (that can be felt by placing a hand on the stomach) immediately precede her orgasm. So be sure to be hands-on in the bedroom.

#8 Have Patience
Just like riding a bike, or learning to drive, understanding the ins and outs of your, or your partner’s, body takes time. So learn to be patient, and have fun with all that practice ☺

Even with these tips some women may find they still cannot orgasm. If this is the case for you or your partner you may need to consult a sex therapist in your area.

Remember: Practice makes perfect!