Overcoming a Dead Bedroom
The term "dead" might suggest that a relationship has lost its former energy or excitement. However, it's important to understand that sexual intimacy may wane due to a variety of factors. This doesn't automatically indicate that partners have stopped valuing or feeling attracted to each other. Moreover, the reasons behind this decline can evolve as time passes.
This problem generally describes a relationship where there is very little or no sexual intimacy between partners for a certain amount of time, whether it’s weeks, months, or years. Sometimes, it means one partner wants to engage in sex more than the other, which leads to tension, but sometimes, both parties experience a lack of desire due to a variety of circumstances.
Over time, this lack of sexual intimacy can lead to feeling frustrated, lonely, and overall dissatisfied, but the term “dead bedroom” might be a little harsh. For most people, their sexual relationship isn’t gone forever; it’s just lost a little spark and needs some tender care to revive it.
Common causes include:
Stress
Many sexual problems boil down to stress. Stress can occur from feeling overwhelmed by work, kids, financial burdens, health issues, or housework. Even social media can cause comparisons that lead to anxiety and stress. As soon as stress skyrockets, libido plummets. Plus, stressed-out people often fight more, which isn’t exactly foreplay.
Communication
A lack of communication can cause sexual relationship issues in and beyond the bedroom. Communicating with your partner about changes in the bedroom and any stress you may be feeling is key to reconnecting with each other and finding that intimacy again.
Life changes
As soon as you lose that “new relationship energy” and move into a long-term relationship, dynamics shift. Beyond this, having kids can be time-consuming and change your priorities, making it hard to find time to be intimate. Factors like lack of sleep can also move sex down on the priority list.
Body issues/changes
Weight gain or body changes after having a baby (or simply aging) can lead to severe rifts. Whether someone is dissatisfied with their own body or the body of their partner, it can affect desire and arousal.
Physical issues
Both men and women can suffer from sexual dysfunction whether due to hormonal changes, menopause, or some other reason. If a man experiences erectile dysfunction (ED), it can lead to a sexual dry spell. If he experiences premature ejaculation, it can lead to finishing early and not letting the woman reach orgasm. Women can also experience dryness or painful intercourse.
How can you work towards fixing a dead bedroom?
- Talk it out: No problem ever got fixed by ignoring the situation. No matter what is bothering you, whether it’s stress, your feelings around sex, or your desires and fantasies, talking it out will make you feel much better, even if you don’t find an immediate solution. Talking about the problem might not be sexy, but it’ll often lead to sex.
- Likes/Dislikes: Ask your partner what they like in the bedroom and provide the same information about yourself. Similarly, ask them what they don’t like and share the same. This might result in you being able to please each other better and get excited about intimacy in the future.
- Past Issues: These can include trust issues, negative body image, poor communication, and infidelity. The definitions of infidelity and trust issues can vary—perhaps your partner had an emotional affair with someone at work or slid into another person’s DMs on social media. These can all cause a dead bedroom. No matter the issue, unless you get to the root of it and address the elephant in the room, you won’t be able to move past it.
- Frequency: You may be having less frequent sex because your partner isn’t enjoying it, so that’s why discussing likes and dislikes is essential. Talk frequently with your partner and decide what’s optimal for the two of you. How much sex would you like to be having every week or every month? Does quality matter more than quantity for you? Do you prefer spontaneous or scheduled sex or a mix of both?
- Desire: Your partner may have desires or things they want to try that they haven’t explored yet. Consider expanding your comfort zones together and discussing things you might want to try. Consider talking about kinks, fantasies, lifestyle changes like polyamory, or trying different sex toys like vibrating penis rings or bullets.
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Practice non-sexual intimacy
Sex and intimacy are different—to rid yourself of a dead bedroom, consider prioritizing emotional and physical intimacy, which involves getting closer through a level of emotional connection and trust. Normalize deep talks and screen-free meals. Cuddle, hug, give each other massages or hold hands.
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You can even sit close to one another and allow for light and/or firm touching of body parts, but even closeness without touching can be intimate—especially if you maintain prolonged eye contact.
Experiment with positions, toys, enhancements
Sometimes, people need a little help getting off, and there’s no shame in that. For sexual dysfunction, aids like libido boosters for women and men can help. At other times, trying new positions with the help of sex furniture like a wedge and experimenting with sex toys for couples and individuals can help to spice things up and bridge the orgasm gap.
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Final thoughts
This problem isn’t a permanent diagnosis—this sexual relationship issue is often a temporary one that requires a couple to work together towards the same goal through constructive means like the techniques detailed above. Shed the stigma and know that a decline in passion can happen to anyone. With love, effort, and teamwork, any dead bedroom can be brought back to life.